Episode 003 - The Changing Channel

I hope your Thanksgiving was as good as ours, if you celebrate that sort of thing. Ours was filled with travel and family, new places and new people and new food. It was a joy!

This time, we have my first time conducting an interview, and my first time recording an interview. The interview took place a couple of months ago now, and there was a key equipment malfunction, so the audio quality isn't great. I hope you'll stick with it anyway, because it's a great story told by a woman with a big heart and a lot of courage.

Here's the transcript:

For recreation as a family, we would go to the airport and watch the planes come in. You could go into the airport. You could go anywhere in the airport. There was no security that I remember, so we would sit right up at the window where the planes were coming and going, and the passengers were coming and going, and I would observe people saying hello to each other as they arrived, or goodbye to each other as they left, and I would cry because I felt it in my heart that these people are sad because they’re saying goodbye to each other, or these people are happy because they’re saying hello to each other, and I would respond to whatever that emotion was. And this was beyond my understanding or my mother’s understanding. I would be tearful or sad, and she didn’t understand. She would want to know why I was so moody, and her question always was, “What’s wrong?” and I never had an answer. I just thought I was strange, because I had no explanation for it, and that was why it was so frustrating to both my mother and me when she would say, “What’s the matter?” Because she had a desire to fix it, whatever it was. And I could not give her an answer except, “I don’t know!”

I now know, many many many years later, that I was an empath as a child, and I still am. I feel other people’s emotions. As an adult, in some conversation or class, where somebody was talking about empathy and being an empath when I was like, “Oh! I get it. That’s what was going on when I had no understanding of it.I wasn’t an unpleasant, moody kid. There was a reason for it.” And it was OK. But I didn’t identify it as coming from anywhere outside of myself, which I do now.

Once I learned what the deal was, then I could control it and not accept all those feelings. You can say, “If this emotion is not mine, please let it go.” But it was a great relief to find out there wasn’t really something horribly wrong with me. And my mother went to her grave never understanding any of that, or wanting to.

I didn’t really open any doors to spirituality with any understanding until a teaching job took me to Colorado as a young woman, and I met a couple there. They took me under their wing, and they were pretty far into some spiritual stuff, and they started talking to me. And this couple told me some things to read, some books to read. I had become very fond of them. The woman was a secretary at the elementary school where I had a new job, and she and her husband and 3 boys sort of took me as the young, single teacher in the school, took me under their wing and had me at their house and talked to me about stuff. This stuff. And the first time they brought up the whole reincarnation thing, I remember going home being so disappointed because I really liked these people, and now they’re crazy! But 24 hours later, I went back to them, and I said, “OK, now tell me that again. How does that work?” And from there on, it was kind of an ongoing thing. Thing to read about. Thing to think about. Thing to wonder about. So it started in my early adulthood, but life happens, and it had to go on the back burner.

I went to see a reader, an older woman who lived out in the country, and she did psychic readings. I went out to this house out in the country, and she was an elderly woman, and she took me into a room where there was nothing but little candles all around in little saucers and stuff all around the room, and the room was otherwise dark. But the thing that was interesting was, in the middle of her reading for me in which I was asking questions about, “Will I ever get married, and will I have children?” which was my whole goal in life at the time, one of those candles exploded and went “Pop!” And she laughed, and she said, “Oh!” and I said, “Oh what?” And she said, “Oh nothing. You will be doing this at some time.” And I was like, “Yeah right!” Because there was nothing yet for me to think anything like that. I was just learning something new, and I wasn’t applying it to myself.

Remember I got married and inherited 2 kids and was teaching full time, and then I was pregnant. So stuff was going on that wasn’t related, but there was always a thread in some way. Always in the back of my mind, always kind of thinking there’s more to life than what we see. But I knew years ahead of time that when the children were grown, and I was retired, I would claim some time, and I would learn this stuff. I would find out what was what. And that’s what happened.

I started out with creative writing classes, which helped me sort of examine myself, who I was, what kind of writer I might be. And then the other I did, this was at the community college, was take pottery classes. And I did it for, you know, as long as I needed to do it, I guess, which was probably a couple of years. I gave pots away, I was just so happy with them. It was opening my heart in some way to do that. And what I loved, I think, what was the draw for me, was the hands in the dirt. The hands in the clay. There was some kind of connection made with something really basic.

Then I went into a period of “OK, I know I’m ready for something. I don’t what it is, and I don’t know where it is.” I guess I’m praying, but I’m not really praying to anybody, I’m just sending out in my mind, “Help me find my tribe. Help me find people who have these same questions, have the same thing going on.” And I couldn’t find anybody.

Well, time goes by, and then eventually I did find a place where people who were on spiritual paths were meeting and talking. It was within 7 miles of my house where I’d been waiting for something! But when the time was right, it came to me, and I started attending with groups. And that’s where the growth really happens, I think, is with like-minded people. And I found those like-minded people. I learned so much. I learned to channel from the people there who channeled. My friends who were channels taught me to channel, and I’ve since taught people to channel.

You are in control. It doesn’t just happen to you. You allow it to happen to you. You are not taken over by anybody, or it’s not mysterious once you are able to do it. It’s not such a big deal. I mean, it’s just what you can do. Like maybe you can play the piano, but I can channel. Different channels describe it differently. I have a good friend who is not a conscious channel, and he describes it as, he goes somewhere else and sits on a bench somewhere while the channeling is going on for him. When he comes out of this state, he’s not aware of what happened. I am too much of a control freak to let go to that degree. Nothing ever happens that I don’t want to happen or allow to happen.

But my guides tease me. Their humor is wonderful. They make fun of me. They laugh at me, because I repeat the same patterns and things sometimes. I have a wonderful relationship with my spirit guides. It’s fun. And one evening with my friends, I said, “I have someone. I have someone who wants to come through.” And I had channeled Mother Mary before, and I knew what she felt like, what that energy felt like. But this energy was different, and the message I got was, “We are four. Can you guess what four we are?” Playing games with my friends. It turned out that I was channeling Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Quan Yin, and Mother Theresa. All those energies at once. And it was Mary Magdalene who turned out to be the main spokesman, although the other energies are always there when that comes through. But she said, “We are four. We are the Merry Band of Holy Mothers.” And so that’s what I channeled for a long time was the Merry Band of Holy Mothers. Which showed a sense of humor, which much appealed to me, because humor is my path in many instances. But Mary Magdalene is fun. I called her a modern woman because she’s firm and opinionated and smart, is what you get from her energy. So I loved that, and I still love that.

And then my most recent thing that’s happened was I learned that I can channel what is called a Language of Light. I was driving by myself in the car back from a meeting, and I began speaking words that I didn’t understand, and I’m driving, and I’m also gesturing. And then it’s gone, and I’m left there going, “Well what the hell was that?” And it sounds like language when I speak it, and various people try to identify it and say, “Oh, that sounds like Hawaiian.” or “Oh, that sounds like whatever other language.” It’s none of those.

I channel an archangel, Zadkiel, and he was the one who came through to explain to me what was happening and that it’s a privilege, and it’s useful, and I have the privilege of having it and the ability to use it. And he explained that the Language of Light is not a language as we would think of language in which there are words, and the words have meaning. The Language of Light is vibration, energy, the vibration of sound and the energy of sound. Zadkiel has channeled many times saying, “Don’t try to identify it as a language you have heard. Don’t get hung up on words. Just open your heart to the vibration and receive it as it is given.” And that’s the best and only explanation I really have except that it comes from the highest, most divine source, and it is for the good.

Zadkiel has been with me, and I had a vision of him before I really knew what was going on. I think being by water has always been special for me, and we were at the lake. But I meditated, and then I lay down on the bed, and a great angelic figure came and was beside me on the bed. I think that was my first introduction to Zadkiel, and then I recognized him later as our connection got bigger. But he’s always been with me.

I know you’ve read my memoirs, so I know you have read about a spirit called DeLight. And she was a delight. But her name was DeLight, which means “from the light,” which is where she was from! The light! And she was a spirit who had never incarnated on earth, and so she came to me for preparation to be incarnated. She came to me and to my group. It was like a group project to deal with DeLight, and she was with me for a period of several months. And I channeled her many, many, many times. And she became a beloved child of mine, almost. And there was a lot of humor around DeLight and channeling DeLight. And she made me do things that I would never do on my own. She liked to dress me and put things in my hair. And so I would go out with flowers in my hair. If I’d go to a group, they who knew DeLight now because I channeled her so many times, they’d go, “Ah, DeLight dressed you today!” You know, I’d have bright colors, and up until the time of DeLight, I was pretty conservative and age-aware of what somebody my age might need to look like, and after DeLight, I just never cared anymore. If it pleased me, I’d wear it. That’s why I’m wearing red Converse now.

So DeLight brought so much richness through humor. She was like a 4-year-old. She was very unruly and open, and I was to teach her how to behave. And she would approach somebody, now she’s in my body, so it’s me, it appears to be me, but she would approach somebody, and she was always kind and joyful, but she would say, “I like your necklace! Can I have it?” And they would go, “No, but you can look at it.” You know. And then she’d get raucous, and then she’d say, “Shh!” And she called me Mama. She would say, “Mama says, ‘Shh!’” and then she’d get really quiet, and then she’d just explode or jump up or do something crazy. And she was with us, and then we knew she was ready to go. And she did. I had several of those kinds of channelings that come and stay for awhile and do whatever it is they need to do, and then they leave. It’s sad when they leave, because they’ve become part of you, of your heart. I will never forget DeLight. She did a lot for me. She loosened me up.

In the beginning, when I first began being connected, I found feathers all the time. And one time, you know the house in Richardson, in the hallway down the middle of the house, I found a feather in the middle of that hallway, which had no explanation for being there. And I found an actual arrowhead in the front room one time. And these are just gifts of connection. These are just “hello!” or “I’m here.” They’re just, “ha ha!” And out here, I told you I’ve been meditating out under the trees, and I found a feather on the seat of my chair. And yes, it could have fallen, you know, from a tree, from a bird, but it was so specifically placed. And then another time I found one right by the back door, which is where I go in and out to go to my sacred space, and you know, they’re just a comfort. A “hi!”

Those of us who channel have been getting messages for at least the last 5 years I’ve been part of it, and probably longer than that, of receiving messages from Spirit that what we are in now in the world was coming. And we got message after message about chaos. There will be chaos, but chaos indicates change, and chaos is necessary. This is necessary because in the end, things will be entirely different and better. Just stand in the chaos, shine your light, don’t keep asking what do I need to know, to do, what can I do to make things better. Nothing. Just be there while the chaos goes around you. And you will have, you may not know it, but you will have a calming effect.

Many, many, many more people are openly doing what I’m doing.We’re here, we can help. And when you start, you think, “I should be doing something. I should be teaching groups. I should…” This was me. “I should be reaching out. I should be healing people. I should be…” And that message is always, “It isn’t necessary for you to do. It is necessary for you to be who you are.” 

So I would say there’s more and more and more awareness. But there’s another side to it, which is, we are not accepted by everybody as anything but nuts. Just nuts. And I’m hearing stories about holistic practitioners, doctors, practitioners like me, I guess, but I don’t have a platform that puts me way out there, which there are people who are big time spiritualists. But I’m hearing now that there are unexplained deaths among practicing holistic doctors who are preaching against big pharmaceuticals, against big medicine, against the food we eat, against the way we treat food, the way it’s grown, etc., etc., etc. There’s a lot controversy now, whereas our side of it is to simplify. And the messages I get for the last few years have been there’s going to be a big change in the food industry, for instance. We spend huge amounts of money shipping food far distances at great cost when the trend will be toward local production of healthy food. Has it happened? No. Is it happening? Yes. Now we’re seeing things about city gardens, individuals and communities that are making gardens and making the produce available to the residents, and so on. It’s very small, but it’s a start. And we’re bringing up consciousness about where your food comes from, what poisons have been put in it or on it, and so I don’t expect to see the changes that are coming in my lifetime, in this lifetime, but I can see that they are coming. And I think that in many levels, there is change now occurring in business. There’s more awareness at the top of businesses about the right way to do things and the wrong way to do things. The right way to lead and the wrong way to lead. You just hear small stories about change, and that’s what we’re hearing. And it’s all starting to happen, but it’s a long process. And it’s been going the wrong direction for years and years and years.

Whether I’ve done what I’m supposed to do, I don’t know. Will I have to come back and do it all over again? I don’t know.

For a long time, I was getting visions or flashes, before I was really connected, but I would get scenes in my head which I knew were in Ireland, and I knew it was me. It was like watching a movie, kind of, in which I was a young girl, probably 15. I knew it was me. I knew it was in Ireland, and I knew that I had been hired by a family to care for the children. And I knew that it did not have a good end. It was in the time of the Potato Famine, when people in Ireland were starving. I can’t give you a year because I haven’t studied it. But I know that’s what I was seeing. And we died. The children and I. I saw a scene of me lying in a white dress on the ground somewhere with dead children around me. We had died.

And that was my vision. It’s interesting now because in this lifetime, food has been a big part of my life, and getting enough food has been a big part of my life since early childhood. I’ve been chubby. And I thought that my feelings of hunger are different from other people’s feelings of hunger because through all my years, I could eat a good meal, and within half an hour feel hungry again. And I knew that didn’t make physical sense, but it was the feeling, and I would want to eat more. So it wasn’t until the last very few years that all of that has come into my consciousness of the connection between that life in Ireland, at least that one, and who knows how many others that had food issues in them. I don’t know, and I don’t need to know. But what I learned from having conversations about this and having somebody wiser than me help me see that we didn’t have enough food, so I have a drive to have enough food, have more than enough food. And I have a drive to take care of kids. Well. What happened in this lifetime? I chose to care for a whole bunch of other people’s children. And I was driven to take good care of them and to fix them if I could. And that was with foster care. So those themes can recur in other lifetimes. And it wasn’t really until I had that understanding, which as I say was in the most recent years, that I even came close to solving the obesity problem.

I’m learning who I really am, and liking who I really am, and loving who I really am as a spiritual person with some awareness and a wonderful connectedness that I’m so grateful for always. I have some difficult things to cope with in my life right now, but things just changed drastically, and it’s taken me awhile to swim back up to the top and look around and say, “You know what? It’s OK.” And that’s where I am now.

Part of the story is that we had to move suddenly. Things changed very suddenly, and we moved away from my wonderful, safe place and my wonderful connections and connected friends and people that I enjoyed so much because if you’re in a group of people, of like-minded people, it’s so wonderful because you don’t have to explain anything to them. They already know. You can just talk. And so your relationships get close. You find like-minded people that mean a lot to you. And we needed to leave that place, and that changed everything for me, because I lost all that support and joy.

And my instinctual thought was, “I need to recreate what I had, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m in a different place, but I’m going to find those like-minded people, I’m going to recreate what I had, and it’s going to be wonderful.” Well, that hasn’t happened, and I suffered a long time over, “Why isn’t it happening? Why can’t I do this? Why is nothing working? Why? Why? Why?” And it’s taken, you know, a year or more for me to finally listen enough to understand that that’s not what is meant to be. That was then, this is now, and I won’t recreate what I had, and I don’t need to, and I shouldn’t. And what I’m finding is, it’s on a very low-key, one-on-one connection, one person at a time. And I don’t know quite where it’s going from that, but I’m finding a lot more resources in myself and a lot more meaning in my connection with Spirit. Instead of being so connected with people who are connected with Spirit, now my connection is me and Spirit. I don’t have to stop being who I am. I don’t have to stop doing what I can do. But it will be different.

I never lost my spiritual connection, but I lost the abundance of it. I lost the total presence of it. It was always there, and I could always connect, but there were periods of time when I didn’t because I was distracted and coping. And not remembering that my best coping lies in my spiritual life. So I kind of got things backward, or screwed up somehow, because I have this great source that I sort of lost track of. And now I’m in that coming back to it and really forming it into something different. And that’s where I am now. I know that my passion is to teach people who are coming into this realm new, who are coming to spirituality as beginners, because I remember being a beginner, and I remember how it was when things opened and opened. And I found that I can teach people who are ready and wish to channel, and I just think that’s a wonderful thing, and I would like a way to use that. It just hasn’t shown itself yet. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t.

My husband had a stroke. And that changed everything, because he is now a disabled person, which changed my life. Probably not as deeply as it changed his life, but changed my life. We had a pretty traditional married relationship. We are now in our 50th year of marriage, and he was the husband, and I was the wife. I was not a non-participating wife, but we had roles, the things that he took care of, and the things that I took care of, which was kind of traditional. But I didn’t always fit in the traditional role because I hate housekeeping, and I don’t cook. But other than that… And I always had an equal say in things, but just in day-to-day things, he took care of this stuff, and I took care of that stuff. He took care of the cars. He took care of the maintenance. He took care of the manly stuff. I took care of the other stuff. I took care of the kids. I took care of the whatever needed taking care of. Because I’m a caretaker.

I want him to feel like in my eyes he’s still the man I married, but he knows. He knows that that’s not entirely true, but in the important things, it’s true. He didn’t lose his intellect. He lost his physical abilities. Having lost so much of his humanity. Not spiritually, but his human life is much restricted now, and his sense of self has changed. And I want to help him hang on to that. I don’t want to push him or say, “you need to do this” or “you need to do that” because he knows exactly what he’s doing for his own good. I think he’s stayed through this stroke and so on for my sake. I think if he had gone, it would’ve been fine with him, but he knew I wasn’t ready for that, and so he’s here doing the very best he can, and it’s lessons for both of us, real lessons on how to be in the world and where to find comfort, and where to find inspiration, and how to keep on keeping on under really difficult situations.

It’s interesting, because when we met, I had just learned about reincarnation, because I’d just gotten to Colorado, met that couple, they told me about it, and I got hooked into it. Well, then I met Rudy, and our courtship and marriage was very quick in time because there was recognition. And so we went from A to Z really fast, and met on February 4th and married on March 30th. I knew it was going fast, and I thought, “I have to tell him that I’m crazy. And he’s going to think I’m crazy, and that’ll be it. I have to tell him what I’m doing, what I’m into, what I’m searching for.” And so I did, trembling in my shoes, thinking this is the end of a good thing for me. And, you know how quiet he is, and he said, “Oh. Yeah. Well, I knew that. I just didn’t know I knew it.” End of discussion.

And here’s what I know in my heart, is that he has done it all before. He’s a very old soul. He came into this lifetime to see me through it. That is my belief. And I’ll stick to it. He’s just… And we’ve used this metaphor: I’m the balloon, up in the air, all around, whatever, uncontrolled sometimes, and he holds the string and keeps me grounded, and that’s been his mission, and he’s done it very well. He listens when I talk. He doesn’t talk much about it. But he already somewhere in him knows this stuff. He knows it backward and forward, and he doesn’t need to practice it or participate in it other than through me. 

And so, when this happened, all of a sudden things were different. I’m now the only driver. He now has to depend on me, which is a huge change for him. It’s difficult. I don’t know how to explain it other than that, but that’s what happened. And so, all of a sudden, I’m in a new place, in a new marriage, trying to figure things out. Who am I? What is my job? Am I doing it well enough? And I do worry about that. You know, should I do more? Should I do less? Blah blah blah. And we’re working it out, but it’s very hard to see someone you love and have loved for so long be in pain, have the things that used to come easily don’t even come any more. Can’t do stuff. It’s hard.

Of course it’s changed our relationship, because he can’t see himself now the way I still see him. And no matter how much I tell him how much I love him and, you know, the things that husbands and wives say to each other, I don’t think he receives it as much as I want to give it. He sees a truth. And the truth is that we cannot sleep together. We cannot even lie together, really. You know, he has to be in a certain position in bed, so there’s an intimacy that is lost, and I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about intimacy that is lost. And I mourn that. We kiss. We say how much we love each other. And again, his having to depend on me for sometimes the most personal things that he would certainly want to keep to himself, I have to be a part of sometimes. And that’s hard on him and me.

But here’s the thing: we have a very solid base. And we’re doing OK with it. You wish it could be different, more like it used to be, a more equal relationship. But I still depend on him to be holding my string. I still depend on him to be my rock. We talk more openly about how old we are and what’s coming, and not knowing when it’s coming, but knowing it’s coming. When you get to be 78 and 80 years old, you have to know. But I think his faith and my faith that we will go somewhere, you know, we won’t just end and that’s it. We’ll be OK. But on an earthly plane in the 3rd dimension, it’s hard to think about it and talk about it. There’s some squeamishness about it, and I think we need to start bringing that forward more, even in a humorous way, that it’s part of our life.

He said, “Just call somebody to pick me up. Tell ‘em I’ve kicked the bucket, the old man kicked the bucket” or something, you know, humorous. And I think that’s where we need to go more of than me worrying in the middle of the night, “Is he all right? Oh my God!” But you know, that’s not productive at all, and yet it’s still there for me, and I need to work on that. Because I’m torn. I don’t want him to continue to suffer for years and years and years, but I don’t want to be alone for years and years and years. And who’s to say he’s the first to go? If I’m the first to go, then that complicates things a lot. But we have wonderful children who have stepped up and stepped in, so we’re very, very blessed in that way.

In some ways, I’m still hypervigilant. I still get up in the middle of the night and go down and look at him, he’s in another room down the hall, and look until I get a sign that he is breathing. And he’s not aware of it as far as I know, that I do that. But my anxiety gets to the point where I just need to do that, and then I’ll be OK. And not all the time. We have really good days and really bad days, so it’s kind of difficult. But I think there’s a purpose for both of us. There are things that I need to learn. There are things that he is needing to learn. I can’t name them all, but I think we’re learning. I think we’re receiving lessons. His is his ability to allow me to care for him. And me, my ability to care for him, you know, in a very personal way sometimes.

Sometimes he says “thank you” to me, and humbly. And I don’t know how to feel about that because I know he’s grateful, but I wouldn’t do any… Of course I’m going to do this. I’m going to do what I can do to make his life bearable, and some days we have a really good time together, and other days it’s hard. But it’s not anything unusual or that everybody suffers through some time. I don’t feel like it’s punishment for anything or any of that.

My guilt, I know it doesn’t make sense to feel guilty, but on the morning… We don’t know exactly when he had the stroke, but we were in separate beds at that time, for various reasons like snoring and different time tables, and so his comfortable schedule puts him in bed late in the morning and up late at night. Mine is exactly the opposite. And so, I was up and ready to leave the house, almost out the door before he was able to get my attention that something was terribly wrong. And he just barely got my attention, or I would’ve been out of the house for 2 or 3 hours. My guilt, which doesn’t make sense, is, there’s an hour, or possibly two, time after a stroke when the outcome can be really, really good. And we missed that window totally. But obviously, this was how it was supposed to come down, and so here we are. I know that, but there’s still that, “Golly. Think of how much better things could’ve been if we had just been alert to something.” You know. “Well, if I’m intuitive, why didn’t I know?” is part of it. Which is, again, it doesn’t make sense. And I know it. And I don’t think he feels that way. He’s not really talked of that, anyway. But I imagine he would go, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!” But that’s me, you know?

But I don’t wallow in it, or anything. It is what it is.

It’s still hard for me to ask, but I’m getting better and better, and I think that’s part of the lesson is to be vulnerable in that way. And so my asking my kids to do things for me is a really big deal. And you’ve all been totally wonderful about responding, but it’s still hard for me to say, because I’m the mom and you’re the kids. But to know we have kids who will respond no matter what is wonderful.

I ask for help. I ask for calm. I ask for whatever I need, and then I expect to receive it, and I do. I have trouble at night because I’m a worrier. And there are things to worry about in my life right now, and I haven’t conquered entirely and as much as I’d like with the “all is well.” I believe all is well, no matter what is happening. I believe it’s not random, and it’s intentional, and it’s necessary. But there’s an emotional part of me that has trouble calming down to “all is well” in the middle of the night. So sometimes I get up and work on it and try to connect and say, “Look, help me! This is no good!”

One of the energies that I channeled when we were living in Richardson came to me and identified herself as Rose. She said, “I am Rose!” And I said, “Well, who are you?” Well, Rose is my Joy Guide. Her whole thing was simply to make me express joy. And she does it, she did it, by coming through in a group and just raising cane. She would come through, and she would say, “Hey! It’s Rose! Say ‘Hello, Rose!’” And the group would say, “Hello, Rose!” And lots of them already knew her. And I have people that I hear from from Dallas who still refer to Rose and how much she meant to them because she would make them stand up, stamp their feet, clap their hands, yell, and, you know, dance and do, you know, crazy things that were not of my own nature. Until she showed up. I couldn’t be as silly as Rose. And when we moved to Austin, I lost Rose. I didn’t call for her, and she didn’t appear. But recently, as I am starting to get myself back into a good place, she’s showing up. She hasn’t come through in any raucous way, but I hear her, and she’s there. And there will be an occasion at some point where Rose appears, and that’s a good thing.

Now that might sound like a crazy story to somebody, but to me, it’s my truth. And I love it.